Thursday, February 26, 2015

Trigger Songs: Slipknot - Goodbye

It's amazing how a random song popping up in my playlist can strike at me.  I put so much weight into the lyrics and meanings of songs.  Some can be triggers for grief, some can be triggers for happiness, some for anger, and some can be triggers for me to want to help and or explain myself to others.  I like writing about my "trigger" songs once in awhile.  

Maybe we can all recognize a moment of silence
Maybe we can finally agree on the same point of view

A long time ago we believed and we were united

So the last thing on Earth I am ready to do is say goodbye

This should be easy enough. Good song, deep meaning to me, and even if you don't like Slipknot, you have to simply read a portion of the lyrics to see why. Let me break down what it means to me, and you can draw your own opinions. I've had my moment of silence.  It was those very early days, when all I wanted to do was crawl into a dark place and mourn in the cold hollow shell of my own mind.  Let's all agree that while we need to mourn, and we need to have bad days or moments, that really, in the grand scheme of things, it's not mourning or grief that moves us forward.  Those two things are simply reminders of where we are in the process, and when they rear their ugly heads, they remind us that life itself is a test, and the grades are handed out during the test, not after.

Megan and I believed in each other.  We believed that a shitty fucking disease would not stop us from being "normal".  

So no, I'm not ready to say goodbye to Megan.  Fuck, I never will be, and I refuse to do so.  I accept that she is no longer here in the physical sense, but why the hell would I say "goodbye" as if everything she helped me to become is null and void at this point?  Goodbye is not the same as "see you later".

The song continues.  

A long time ago we discovered that nothing could stop us
This hasn't torn us apart, so nothing ever will
How can we know where we are if the sun is behind us?
But this moment will show us the rest of our lives
No one is going to save us this time
No one can know what we're feeling.
So don't even try

This is continuance of life.  It's not "moving on" or "getting over it", it's "continuance".  I don't still feel "married", but I damn sure still feel "united", and whether or not I'm united or married to someone else in the future, I will still continue being united to Megan as well.  Life does not stop for those left behind.  

What is the indicator of where you are in life when your better half is no longer here? As I said above, those moments of grief or mourning serve as such.  Those moments show you that you're fucking human, and you're allowed to be sad that a person who loved you unconditionally is dead.  You're allowed to regress and have those days where the world keeps spinning for everyone else, but stops for you.  Those moments are what shows me the next step in life.   

You have to paddle your own canoe.  It's tough love, but it's fucking true.  No one is going to be your savior and just make you forget what you had in the past.  If it is that easy to forget, then I would wonder what you truly had.  You can never be "saved" from the fact that you lost someone, unless science somehow figures out a way to stop the loss by reanimating corpses AND souls.   

Taking advice from others can be helpful, but they are not you.  Be as open and honest as you want to be about everything with everyone, respect the opinions and observations of those who've been in your shoes, but for Christ's sake, live your life on your terms.  Take little pieces of it, but don't even try to live someone else's grief or process exactly as they do because it seems "better" or "faster".

Because you'll fail.   


  1. Well said. I am so very sorry for your great loss. I am 15 months out from losing my husband and feel with more certainty now that I will never get over him; nor do I want to. Sending you great love to carry you and your daughter through this life that you did not choose, Deborah

    1. Thank you for your comment, Deborah! There is a huge difference between getting "over" and getting "through". Megan will always be here with us, guiding Shelby and I through this, no doubt. She is never going to push us to forget, or "get over" her...only to remember it for what it was...a beautiful thing that ended too soon.