Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Luck and Hard Work

I'm in a fiery mood today.  It's one of those attitudes that had served me well through the years, and ensured that I continue to move forward, always, in life.  I never really know what sparks it.  It could be general testosterone, or the nice weather, or even the thought of seeing Sarah next week.  Regardless, it's a feeling that I generally welcome.  It's not anger or's determination, acceptance, and drive.

When I am in this state, I can tend to get preachy, egotistical, and frankly, raw.  In this sense, perhaps there exists a chance that I can spark this same feeling in someone else, and help them move forward, even if only for a day.   I don't feel like "relating" today.  I feel like simply stating, in detail, what's on my mind, and allowing others to interpret it as they see fit.  

Megan is dead.  I've accepted that she is not coming back, and for the rest of my life, I will never hear her voice or see her face.  I'm not going to mope about it.  I don't feel sorry for myself, and I don't want anybody else feeling sorry for me.  Life is tough.  Work hard, and you might get the chance to make it a little easier, but ultimately, you, and everyone you know is going to die someday.  

That quote is only slightly off.  I don't see looking back at Megan as "wasting time".  I am simply choosing to remember the good things we had, and not wasting my time looking back at the bad things like hospital stays.

It will not consume me.  What is the purpose in that?  It doesn't mean I loved Megan any less, and the first person to insinuate that will probably end up having a bad day.  I loved that woman with a fire that could never be extinguished.  It still burns; it's just that I'm the only one left to provide the fuel.  I don't just love someone because it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.  I can, and do love both Megan and Sarah.  Sarah gets it, and there's not so much as a batted eye if I express to her that I really miss Megan.  

So you know what I'm going to do, now that Megan is dead? 

I'm going to continue to make Megan proud that she married me.  That is truly the way to honor and remember someone you love.  You think she wants to see me curled up on the floor, or moping around, bitching about how tough life is without her?  No.  That is not who she married.  She married a man that took care of her and loved her unconditionally for 12 years.  A Marine, and a man that loved her and our daughter to the ends of the earth.  One that was constantly working to improve himself  to earn even more of her love, because even though I already had it, I would never rest on my laurels and be content with what I had.  I AM going to love Sarah; not only in the way she deserves, but also in the way Megan deserved and received.  In that sense, I have even more love to give.  

Just the same, just about every single person reading these words right now needs to have a similar attitude.  The person you lost does not want to see you suffering.  They want to see you determined to enjoy life, and to be a better person than you were even with them.  If someone can give me a valid reason to just resolve to be alone for the rest of their lives (after accepting their loss, of course), I'm all ears.  

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